"Max Payne" is a film about a gunfighter who cares less about guns than I do. It's adapted from an excellent video game series about a hard-boiled cop who blasts his way through legions of gangsters to avenge the murder of his wife and daughter. That said, imagine my surprise when I discovered that nearly an hour of "Max Payne" passes before any serious action sequence occurs, something that wouldn't fly in a video game.

The titular protagonist, played by Mark Wahlberg, is a glum, humorless man who spends his nights stalking the streets in search of his wife's killer. If my family was murdered, I might wear a perpetual scowl, too, but Max Payne's electronic counterpart cracked jokes and had a heart that extended beyond his lust for vengeance. Spending an hour and a half with the film version of the man - a gloomy and dull individual - is exhausting, even without the firefights.

The story presents us with exactly one character who could be the culprit. Just look for the friendly face played by a recognizable, yet B-list, actor and wait for the betrayal followed by an exposition.

The plot surrounding this revenge tale involves a huge corporation responsible for a drug said to make soldiers "invulnerable" in combat. Curiously, this invulnerability means that the user suffers horrible hallucinations and simply walks straight into the line of fire when a gun battle breaks out.

Max acquires a partner, an assassin named Mona (Mila Kunis). We wait patiently for something to happen between the two (for that matter, we wait patiently for the credits to roll), but if Max can't find a black-clad Mila Kunis appealing, then they should just clear a spot for him at the morgue.

The film can't possibly satisfy fans of the game, nor will the lumbering plot satiate the bloodlust of an action junkie. Fans of the detective story will be put off by an incoherent narrative that strangely exists just to set up the so-so bullet ballet finale. It's rated PG-13 and visibly chafes against the content restriction, similar to how the viewer chafes against the imaginary obligation to sit through the screening without walking out. To make matters worse, filmmakers couldn't decide whether they wanted to imitate a classic noir or a "Sin City" look, so they went with both, with painful results.

* review

'Max Payne'

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis

Director: John Moore

Run time: 1 hour, 40 minutes

Rated: PG-13, for violence including intense shooting sequences, drug content, some sexuality and brief strong language

Now playing at: Crossroads, College Square

1 1/2 out of 5 stars