CELIA RIVENBARK, writes a humor column for MCT news service | Posted: Monday, November 10, 2008 12:00 am
We didn't decorate for Halloween this year, at least not in the traditional way with cardboard skeletons and red-eyed bats taped to our front door. No, when the kids trick-or-treated at our house, all they saw was the crumpled and tear-stained third-quarter statement for our 401-K tacked up there.
And while most kids were oblivious enough to say, "Huh?" their helicopter parents got the message and shuddered in the shadows.
When I opened that latest statement, I jumped out of the window. True, it was the kitchen window and I only fell 2 feet so the whole scene lacked drama, but I thought that was the required reaction to Extreme Financial Turmoil in America.
(Incidentally, I loved it when "Daily Show" host, Jon Stewart, recently wondered aloud if "when the Dow goes way up, do stock brokers jump from the ground into their offices?")
This year, the economy was way scarier than any Jaycees haunted house or neighborhood party with obligatory bowls of grape eyeballs and spaghetti intestines. That's child's play. The truth is that these quarterly statements couldn't be any more frightening if the late T. Rowe Price himself delivered them inside Alan Greenspan's severed head. Which a few people would like to see these days.
We're hungry for economic recovery. With the notable exception of whatever commission sales clerk was lucky enough to be on duty when Sarah Palin went shopping at Neiman's, most of us aren't doing so hot.
The only good news, trend watchers say, is that being frugal is actually hip these days. For instance, if you drink Starbucks instead of McDonald's coffee, you might find yourself getting the same sneer that, just a year ago, was reserved for anybody driving a Hummer.
The same people who kvetched about the lousy job their undocumented housekeeper did on dusting the ceiling fans now squeal excitedly, "Oooh! I think I have a coupon for a free appetizer!" when they go out to eat and then proceed to dump the contents of their Dooney & Bourkes onto the table at O'Charley's.
And just last week, I overheard a country club snoot huff at the grocery store clerk: "Excuse me, my dear, but I am quite certain that Tide detergent is a bogo."
Financial experts tell us that we shouldn't panic-sell because this, too, shall pass. They explain all this in terms of "bulls" and "bears," with bull markets being good and bear markets being trying to figure out how to comfortably ride public transportation while wearing a barrel and suspenders.
Thankfully, the experts say that due to the cyclical nature of the stock market, we should expect to return to a prosperous "bull" market in, say, anywhere from 18 months to 24 years. There now. All better?