Hons, I tried not to write about Mark Sanford. It just seemed so, I dunno, OBVIOUS. It also would run the risk of being as stale as every bagel I've ever tried to eat. After all, the late-night comedians have already skewered him six ways from Sunday with varying degrees of hilarity.

But, just as the slugs can't resist the bowl of beer I use to lure them away from my flower garden at night, I can't resist writing about Sanford any more. Why? It's simple: Mark Sanford won't shut the (bleep) up. As long as he keeps saying dumb stuff like wishing he'd kept his "Genie in the bottle" I'm powerless. So, "Uncle." Back up, bandwagon, cuz I'm jumpin' on.

Sanford, who is given to long, emotional and completely inappropriate press conferences, has informed us that he may have fudged a little on when and where he "dated" his Argentinean amor.

There were also new details, from him, of course, on how he met her. Same old tired story … you go to Uruguay with a bunch of other Congressmen and decide to go "daincing" at a club. You lock eyes with a woman with teasing tan lines and spend the rest of the evening murdering the salsa as only a middle aged white man can and - get this - "counseling her on her failing marriage." You go, Gov! He counseled her straight into the sack during two trips to New York City including three nights in the Hamptons, and I don't mean the Hampton Inn.

Sanford is fond of reminding everyone that he paid his own way and "flew coach class." Well, then! That makes everything OK! Still, as the chief ambassador of the Palmetto State, one would've hoped he would keep his international tourism at home. Wouldn't the Mistress have enjoyed some of Myrtle Beach's finer fish camps or awesome blue-watered wacky golf palaces?

Mark Sanford's endless purple-prosed blathering has even included his impossibly insensitive notion that he now plans to try and "fall back in love with" his wife. Right. Note to the missus: Kick this creep to the curb and pronto. If he comes anywhere near you, remind him that you're armed and his Genie is in serious jeopardy.

And this just in from his own press conference: In an effort to quit the Other Woman, Sanford flew to New York with a "trusted spiritual adviser" to meet with her for church services and then, well, dump her. Gall, thy name is Mark Sanford, who added that he also asked the Missus to meet the Mistress but she took a pass.

South Carolina: Put a bowl of beer out for this slug and move on. Please.