Posted: Wednesday, March 5, 2008 12:00 am
Q: My ex-girlfriend and I broke up even though she's expecting our baby shortly. I've been very clear that I want to be involved in our child's life, but she's already excluded me from the labor and delivery, and I'm worried that she'll do the same after the baby is born. Is there anything I can do to protect my parental rights?
A: The fact that you want to be a part of your child's life, even though you and the child's mother are no longer together, is a very good thing. It means your baby has a fighting chance of growing up with two loving parents - albeit separated - and that he or she will benefit from your presence from the very beginning.
A number of attorneys I've spoken with urged me to emphasize that dads have just as many rights as moms do - and that those rights come with responsibilities.
Your first assignment is to get some legal help. I know that sounds expensive, but it doesn't have to be. There are a variety of organizations that offer free or low-cost advice to guys in your exact situation.
I know it's hard right now, but try for a moment to look at this situation from your ex's point of view: She's probably finding the prospect of being a single mother pretty frightening (and with good reason). She might be worried about money, child care, living arrangements, work and more. On top of that, she's dealing with the emotional and hormonal upheavals and day-to-day discomforts of pregnancy. I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, just give you some insight into why she may be behaving as she is.
There's also a good chance that her unreasonable attitude will turn out to be temporary. Once the baby is born and she has the time to recover, her thinking might be less guided by emotions and more by the desire to raise the child in the best possible conditions, that is, with the presence of a loving and supportive father.
The key is to make your ex understand the benefits of your presence in the child's life, beyond the financial support, which, of course, you're legally bound to provide.
Talk to your attorney about what you have to do to ensure that your rights are protected. And don't forget about your responsibilities. Whatever you do, make sure you find ways of bonding with your child as early as possible.