My biggest regret of the holiday season? Not being able to find the new Burger King "Flame" meat-scented cologne for Duh-hubby's Christmas stocking.

At $3.99 and packaged in a petite little silver spray bottle embossed with a flaming red heart, it would've been perfect for any man wanting to wear, as Burger King brags, the "scent of seduction with the hint of flame-broiled meat." (I'm guessing Flame's not selling well among mailmen and kennel workers.)

You might ask why Burger King is getting into the fragrance business, but I say why not? It's not like the whole fast-food thing has worked out for them.

Besides, Celine Dion and David Beckham sell their cheap smell'um at Wal-Mart so why not the ubiquitous and somewhat pervy Burger King? Besides, "Flame" is a lot easier to say than "Acqua Di Gio Pour Homme," am I right? A fierce media campaign is underway in which the comically big-headed, spray-tanned King peddles his scent while wearing only his crown and a faux fur loincloth of sorts as Barry White-ish music plays in the background. Nah, that's not weird.

And while some have said this cologne gig is just a clever marketing gimmick for BK, others actually like the smell of Flame. Kathie Lee Gifford squealed her approval after spritzing a reluctant cameraman with Flame on the "Today" show. It's only a matter of time before Frank Gifford introduces his new signature scent: Old Man's Stinky Football Jersey.

When he's not dousing himself in Flame and offering to "set the mood no matter what mood you're in the mood for" (say what?), the King's at the center of a breakfast menu ad campaign that includes a commercial in which he, swear to God, crawls into bed with a startled young man and cheerfully offers him a "meat-normous" sandwich.

Pass.

Mercifully, the King doesn't figure prominently in the other controversial BK commercial campaign going: The Whopper Virgins, in which real-life Thai villagers, rural Romanian farmers and tundra-dwellers from Greenland are asked to compare the Whopper to McDonald's Big Mac.

The commercials make me feel mildly uncomfortable, rather like the painful moments on "Survivor" in which the airheaded contestants try to look honestly interested during the obligatory segment when they must interact with island natives and visit holy shrines and stuff.

In the BK commercials, the bemused villagers prefer the Whopper (otherwise, it would be a McDonald's commercial, wouldn't it?) but I think that's only because somebody threw in a few cases of Flame.

McDonald's better jump on this cologne marketing idea pronto. Why not exploit the aroma of pressed pork product in "MmmmmMcRib for Men"? Just don't put Ronald in a loincloth, OK?