When did we get so obsessed with having crazy-long eyelashes? Perhaps it was around the same time that an advertising agency decided women have some sort of deranged romantic relationship with their scrub mops. Yep. That's what we women do all day. Sit around praying that someone will invent a prescription medication that will give us longer, fuller lashes and fending off floral deliveries and song dedications from, uh, a mop.

When I see these two commercials, along with that ghastly soft-porn from Hardee's in which leggy and really-should-have-known-better Padma Lakshmi devours a Western Bacon Thickburger while groaning unbecomingly, I just wonder what advertisers are thinking. And then I ask my scrub mop what it thinks.

Seriously, hons. I probably won't buy the new prescription eyelash goo. Besides, the endless warnings of possible side effects that should include unrelenting hotness and maybe Xray vision but really include discolored eyelids and itchiness make it less tempting. Latisse, a pretty name that should be showing up in kindergartens across this great land in five years, is manufactured by the same company that gave us Botox. Allergan was actually making a very nice glaucoma drop when they realized that many patients using Lumigan were unexpectedly developing voluptuous, silken ruffles of long eyelashes that, at least for women, made having glaucoma a tad less depressing. I hope.

And like most drug companies, Allergan immediately realized that it could sell this stuff with a pretty name for $120 for a one-month supply to those of us who want to get really dolled up for our scrub mop date.

I can save a ton of money by just buying the Second Best thing to come along for eyelashes in the past 30 days: Maybelline's new Pulse Perfection vibrating mascara is just $15. Pulse Perfection mascara is intriguing but I'm nervous about sticking a rod that vibrates at 7,000 times per stroke that close to my eyeball. What if my hand slips? Would it be like a jack-hammer to my brain? I'd hate to accidentally lobotomize myself in the pursuit of beauty. And what of the claim that it'll make lashes 13 times thicker? Simply blinking would be an aerobic exercise for eyes but I think I'd just give up and stare at the crumbs in my lap all day. Like Padma.

I repeat: What's with the eyelash fixation? I mean, sure, they're nice and everything but they're there to work, aren't they? Remember: Eyelashes are designed to keep crud out of your eyes (medical definition), to be batted seductively at the object of one's affections (my definition) or to be pulled out one by one in an obsessive-compulsive manner (Sylvia Plath definition). I'm just saying.