Christmas catalogs are pouring in but you'd have to be crazier 'n a sprayed roach to buy some of the stuff they're advertising.

Under the heading "just somehow creepy" is a disturbingly lifelike plush animal that "breathes" and gently snores "like a real dog or cat" thanks to two batteries.

You also can order a disturbing Christmas tree ornament from your dead relative inscribed: "I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year." Since one costs $20 and two cost $25, you might want to wait for two relatives to die to take advantage of this one.

The assorted white-trash catalogs seem targeted to a very specific buyer: people obsessed with door drafts, people with webbed feet (why so many toe separators; is that really a high-demand Christmas gift?); people who obsess about the storage and laundering of their ball cap collection; women obsessed with securing wayward bra straps; people concerned about the storage and transportation of devilled eggs; people who love to remove dryer lint through various wands and suction aids, etc.

Admittedly, these catalogs are less Horchow than dog chow but I did find one goodie: the "handsome silver-plated" monogrammed toothpick holder. It holds up to 15 toothpicks and, when whipped out in the cafeteria parking lot post-lunch, is downright impressive.

Less impressive is a vexing obsession with large throws and afghans that insist on paying poetic tribute to dogs, daughters-in-law and even "like-a-sister's." There are all sorts of touching sentiments stitched into these creations, but they're a bit gooey for me. Call me cynical but I'd much rather see something like this stitched on the "Like A Sister" afghan:

"You hang around the house a lot / You stole from Uncle Jim / When he was in the crazy house / You claimed you were blood kin / But when he's gone to glory / And that final bell shall chime / Be advised you're not a sister / You ain't gettin' one thin dime."

Too harsh? I know. My stuff will SO never get into the Cracker Barrel gift emporium.

Hands-down my favorite from the weirdo Christmas catalogs, even better than the monogrammed toothpick holder, is the "Fanny Bank: Makes Saving Money a Real Gas!"

The plastic "plumber's butt" bank features six flatulent sound effects that get louder the more money you put into the slotted bottom. If you could add that handy feature to the "breathing, snoring" cat and dog, you'd have the perfect gift.

For crazy Uncle Jim, maybe.