The Courier requires me to state if a column is fiction. Evidently, many critics were confused and took characters like Justin Case, Lotta Sales and Michael Jackson to be actual people.

Furthermore, the University of Northern Iowa also requires me to swear by the Myth of the Iowa Kid, baseball and everything else we hold holy that my ideas may not be, or could not be or probably wouldn't be (sort of) their ideas.

So the following is fiction.

Confused about the future, I contacted Dr. Mattie Maddox. It is believed that Maddox is more than 105 years old. According to tradition, she attempted to retire 35 years ago, but couldn't find anyone at UNI who knew that she even existed. She also continued to be paid because according to the state of Iowa, "We have no record that Dr. Maddox exists, so we certainly can't stop paying her."

I knew that she must be very wise, so I made an appointment with her.

She wanted me to bring a cheeseburger. So at the appointed hour, I discovered her office deep in the bowels of the social science building.

Brushing away the cobwebs, I found her reading Stanislav Andreski by the light of a single candle.

I handed her the cheeseburger and got straight to the point. "Tell me about the future, especially 2016."

"Are you absolutely sure?" she asked.

I nodded and she carefully opened the cheeseburger and began to read the entrails. The mandatory piece of pickle seemed of particular interest.

I scribbled down notes, and here is a brief summary of what she saw.

In 2016, more than 63 percent of all Americans receive more from the government than the total of all they pay in taxes. They vote overwhelmingly for progressive issues and causes. Polls show that they believe in fairness, equality, the dignity of all humankind and more freebies from the feds.

It is now unconstitutional to ask members of protected classes if they have previously voted, or to count the number of times they may have voted in the same election.

Beginning in 2010, no one could join the military if they had ever smoked. Six years later the recruitment bar had been raised. Applicants must also swear that they have never owned, talked about owning, handled or discharged any gun unless under the direct supervision of a federal officer.

Conforming to a U.N. mandate, the United States has destroyed all of its nuclear weapons. The U.K. and France also have unilaterally disarmed, complying with the U.N. ruling. The mandate exempted "developing nations."

The only nations that now have nukes are Russia, China, Iran and North Korea. American troops, under the direction of a concerned international community, are now searching through the criminal nation of Israel looking for illegal nuclear weapons.

After two consecutive summers of global cooling, now referred to as "global change," food has become relatively scarce. Since 2015, the federal government has regulated the production, distribution, processing, marketing and pricing of all food.

President Barack Obama announced that there was now more food in America than at any other time in history. Stores appear mostly empty because they are simply larger than they were back in 1873. People who disagree are labeled as racists, homophobes, fundamentalists or Palin followers, all of whom are illegal.

There has been some inflation. A gallon of gas sells for $481.999 per gallon, but your three-wheeled car gets 49 MPG. Cheeseburgers cost $109.90, but cheeseburgers create health problems and therefore cannot be purchased or eaten on government property or any other place where more than three people can gather.

The average utility bill is $2,800 per month, but Obama has told the nation that this shouldn't concern anyone because "global change" will ensure that the next winter will never occur. Besides, 45 billion new windmills are scheduled to go online. That will shave the monthly bills down to $2,798 per month.

Oh, Dr. Maddox informed me that health care is totally free in 2016.