Only pigs and conservative women wear lipstick.

Polls are news if Barack Obama is ahead; they are too unreliable and inconsistent to be news when John McCain is ahead.

You can't be elected president of the United States if you have any polygamous ancestors, but you will become somewhat of a national hero if you have a lot of sex with women you won't marry. Case in point is the private lives of all the Democratic presidents for the last 70 years with the possible exception of Harry Truman, and Jimmy Carter, who, evidence shows, only lusted in his heart.

It also appears that having any religious belief different from whatever is the current take of a certain group of fundamentalists disqualifies you, and all your ancestors, from ever being a full citizen of the United States. On the other hand, the other party is suggesting that believing Christ was a community organizer promoting government solutions to all human suffering is not only acceptable theology, but justifies the election of acolytes who follow His royal path.

Feminists are not feminists, they are simply female liberals who don't like men much unless they advance their personal interests, much like the conservative women who they claim are subservient to men to advance their own personal interests. They don't like powerful women like Condoleezza Rice and Gov. Sarah Palin because they are women, but not women like themselves.

Then there is the problem of being feminine, which is anti-feminist.

One party is promising me anything I want, and get this: It isn't going to cost me anything because they're going to force the people I don't like to pay for it all. This bothers me a little because why should I continue to dislike the people who pay for all the stuff I want?

The other party is going to lower my taxes, which is certainly a good idea, but they aren't going to get rid of any programs I like, just the ones I don't like. Isn't that nice!

Both candidates have promised to "fight" for me. This actually makes me uneasy. I'm not sure I want Obama and McCain "fighting" for me.

Actually Gov. Palin got it right when she said that the only person in the race who has ever fought for anyone is McCain. Then he got up the next day and ruined it all by promising to "fight" just like Obama.

There is a lot of pretending going on. Hillary Clinton supporters are pretending they like Obama. The rest of the Democrats are pretending that Obama really is whoever they really want him to be. Actually, they don't have a clue of who he is and what he may stand for, because Obama pretends to be whoever his potential voters pretend him to be.

At least three-fourths of the Republican Party is pretending to like McCain.

Journalists are pretending to be unbiased, and pretending that they don't really think that Palin is trailer trash because they are afraid that someone will discover that pretending that they really believe that a real woman is competent to be the president is, in their heart of hearts, pretending.

It appears to be OK if you marry a rich woman who allows you to live in many houses if you want to run for president and have a war story to tell, especially if the story is so shaky that it can be successfully "swift-boated."

It is very bad if you marry a rich woman who allows you to live in many houses and have a war story to tell, especially if your story cannot be "swift-boated."

Evidently liberal men don't like women. According to the Clinton folks, liberal women wanted Hillary, so it must have been liberal men who didn't like Hillary. They also appear to really despise Gov. Palin.

So, apparently, liberal men like liberals, and an occasional woman who won't demand much.

It appears at this point that the winner of the election will be the side that creates the most white guilt in moderates; i.e., guilt about race or gender. Liberals have already shown they have more guilt over race. Conservatives have guilt over sex but none at all for race or gender. So it is up to the deep-thinking, but angst-ridden moderates to create a hanging chad for the black man or the white woman.