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Married parents should think of themselves as wives, husbands first
By JOHN ROSEMOND
A journalist recently asked me to name the No. 1 problem facing today's family. I think she expected me to address education, the economy, or some other "hot" topic. To her surprise, I said, "A confusion of roles." In today's parenting universe, married women with children think of themselves first and foremost as mothers, and married men with children think of themselves first and foremost as fathers. This is confusion. If you are married with children, you are first and foremost a wife or a husband. In your wedding vows, you did not say, "I take you to be my (husband, wife) until children do us part." Those vows, many generations old, read the way they do for a reason.
I've been telling recent audiences that parenting has become bad for the mental health of women. Today's all-too-typical mother believes that whether her child experiences success or failure in whatever realm is completely up to her. If she is sufficiently attentive to her child's needs and sufficiently proactive in his life, he will succeed. If not, he will have problems. The natural consequence of this state of over-focus is anxiety, self-doubt and guilt.
Symptomatic of this ubiquitous state of bad mental health is mother-to-mother conversation, which will almost invariably be all about their children: what they're doing for their children, their children's latest magnificent accomplishments and so on. That today's mothers cannot seem to think of anything else to talk about is rather, well, sad. My mother once told me that when mothers got together in the 1950s, they talked about everything but their children.
The 1950s mother went about her child rearing with an almost casual attitude. It was "all in a day's work," as opposed to being all of her day's work. She exuded a sense of confidence in her authority; therefore, her child recognized her authority. She established a clear boundary between herself and her child (as in, "I don't have time for you right now, so go find something of your own to do") that today's mother feels prohibited from doing.
In any relationship, a well-defined boundary is necessary to respect. For example, men may "like" women who do not establish clear boundaries, but they have no respect for them. In this regard, it is no mystery why so many of today's kids seem to have no respect for their mothers, or any other adult for that matter.
Most of the discipline problems today's parents experience with their children have their genesis in this nouveau and very dysfunctional family model. These discipline problems, therefore, are not going to be corrected by manipulating reward and punishment with clever behavioral methods. They will correct themselves when the dysfunction is corrected. The problem here is that it's difficult to accept that what one is doing is dysfunctional when everyone is doing it.
I've been telling recent audiences that parenting has become bad for the mental health of women. Today's all-too-typical mother believes that whether her child experiences success or failure in whatever realm is completely up to her. If she is sufficiently attentive to her child's needs and sufficiently proactive in his life, he will succeed. If not, he will have problems. The natural consequence of this state of over-focus is anxiety, self-doubt and guilt.
Symptomatic of this ubiquitous state of bad mental health is mother-to-mother conversation, which will almost invariably be all about their children: what they're doing for their children, their children's latest magnificent accomplishments and so on. That today's mothers cannot seem to think of anything else to talk about is rather, well, sad. My mother once told me that when mothers got together in the 1950s, they talked about everything but their children.
The 1950s mother went about her child rearing with an almost casual attitude. It was "all in a day's work," as opposed to being all of her day's work. She exuded a sense of confidence in her authority; therefore, her child recognized her authority. She established a clear boundary between herself and her child (as in, "I don't have time for you right now, so go find something of your own to do") that today's mother feels prohibited from doing.
In any relationship, a well-defined boundary is necessary to respect. For example, men may "like" women who do not establish clear boundaries, but they have no respect for them. In this regard, it is no mystery why so many of today's kids seem to have no respect for their mothers, or any other adult for that matter.
Most of the discipline problems today's parents experience with their children have their genesis in this nouveau and very dysfunctional family model. These discipline problems, therefore, are not going to be corrected by manipulating reward and punishment with clever behavioral methods. They will correct themselves when the dysfunction is corrected. The problem here is that it's difficult to accept that what one is doing is dysfunctional when everyone is doing it.
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unigrad99 wrote on Oct 5, 2008 8:32 AM:
" Common sense, I think you just proved the writer's point. Maybe part of the problem is that you made the statement, "I might not always be my husband's wife". Now, maybe you were talking about him dying, but if you come into marriage with the thought, if it doesn't work out, I'll just bail, makes you less committed to him and more to your kids. "
the_bat wrote on Oct 5, 2008 11:16 AM:
" I think far fewer marriages might end in divorce if more of us followed Rosemond's advice. Mommy and daddy getting divorced is not good for kids, either.
Beyond that, this notion of kids not being "...able to fend for themselves," hence mommy or daddy has to constantly do it for them, more and seems to result in kids who still can't fend for themselves when they're in their 20s and 30st. There are plenty of examples of this and we don't have to look far or hard to find them. That's why we see kids 10, 11, and 12 years old who can't even cross the street by themselves and know enough to look both ways before they do. You don't teach kids to fend for themselves by constantly fending for them. For crying out loud, my wife who works in a daycare tells me they get 5 year olds who aren't even potty trained.
^o^
—"Death of common sense" may be aptly named. "
Beyond that, this notion of kids not being "...able to fend for themselves," hence mommy or daddy has to constantly do it for them, more and seems to result in kids who still can't fend for themselves when they're in their 20s and 30st. There are plenty of examples of this and we don't have to look far or hard to find them. That's why we see kids 10, 11, and 12 years old who can't even cross the street by themselves and know enough to look both ways before they do. You don't teach kids to fend for themselves by constantly fending for them. For crying out loud, my wife who works in a daycare tells me they get 5 year olds who aren't even potty trained.
^o^
—"Death of common sense" may be aptly named. "
hetfield wrote on Oct 5, 2008 12:12 PM:
" woa! wait a minute rosemund. didnt you realize that the new liberal marital unit can now include men and men, and women and women? i mean gosh, who would the wife and husband then be!?
shame on you for promoting conservative values in this socialistic, fascist, liberal country we are now running into the ground!
i cant believe the courier actually chose to print this newcon!
(if you cant see the sarcasm, dont blame me) "
shame on you for promoting conservative values in this socialistic, fascist, liberal country we are now running into the ground!
i cant believe the courier actually chose to print this newcon!
(if you cant see the sarcasm, dont blame me) "
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Death of common sense wrote on Oct 4, 2008 10:29 AM: